Thinking Problem

I haven't had time to write lately. This is both good and bad. This officially qualifies as another one of those nifty two-coined things. I've been promoted. Usually when something happens I tell everyone I know. Reason one, to confirm that I am in fact not crazy and alive, two to spread the love. This time I told the man I live with and emailed a dear friend. Together the three of us have been reveling in the fact that I am no longer a grunt. However, I've been scarce on time. The positive aspect of this coin is that I've moved up my pink ladder fairly quickly. The last year has been a series of not this again moments and now I find that I am in a position to ignore those moments because they no longer apply to me.

The other side of the coin is that I wanted to go to school to get there. The fact that I'm the only Clinician in my clinic without a Master's degree is still compelling, but there is that sneaky part of me that says, 'why go back to school right now-you can wait a little bit longer' That part makes it hard for me to sit down and do my statement of purpose that I need to complete my applications. Regardless, I'll apply again this year and see what happens. If I get in, I'll go. If I get the big brown door closed before I've had the chance to peak in a see the yellow chickens-I haven't lost anything. (However I couldn't go out and buy a nice house on my income-so that's reason enough to go back.)

In other news I am unofficially retiring from my modeling thing. I don't know what else to call it but a thing. I didn't really make any money; then again I never really tried very hard to. I find all the reasons I did it before no longer apply. I have no solid compelling reasons to strut my self around. Don't get me wrong I'm still a gal who likes to play dress up-but that's what parties are for right? I will at some point post all of my favorite pictures in a last hurrah and mail thank you cards to all the wonderful photographers I've been fortunate enough to meet and work with. But lets face it, it's going to be damn wonderful to go somewhere and not have someone ask if I'd reconsider my position on nude modeling.

I was talking to someone about this the other night. I told him that when I first began modeling one irrational reason was having people think I was pretty. In my family I'm definitely NOT the pretty one. My brother wows the socks off of people within two minutes; I on the other hand have always been, "the smart one." I could psychologize all my reasons for doing it, but now when I look at it-there isn't a place for it in my life. Why keep something around that you've never wanted enough to struggle for? The ironic thing is that everyone who loves me thinks I'm beautiful and that is more than I've ever acknowledged.


"Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got."--Sophia Loren

posted by Danna Saunders @ 1/05/2005 10:58:00 AM