family picnic.

I keep trying to grow things.

Super J's sister gave me a self-watering African violet that isn't doing so well.

I used to be good at it. I didn?t try then, the critical difference between then and now. I left them alone, the plants, and they grew. They grew practically rabid.
I have pictures of one sitting next to an Elmo doll that a friend of mine had. She called it her baby, "Elmo". She didn't rename it which I found funny. Like taking a Barbie from a box and calling her Barbie. I never was good at leaving things be. My spell checker just switched barbie to Barbie-so what the hell do I know about growing and naming things.

But here it is. I want children.
Loads and loads of them. Except for that whole patience thing I think I'd be pretty good at it. Except I fear being a nit picky mom. A "let me lick your face for the third time in an hour" mom.

Yesterday my parents called. I think the trick is to send them money. My dad's voice was raspy. They went to a basketball game & he of course was yelling. I never had that much dedication to my old high school. Then again, people don't remember me for my hook shot & 50 year old cheerleaders don't walk up to me and giggle because they remember what I look like in my green and orange shooting shorts.

His voice trailed at one point, I knew he wanted to ask for something. He's never been good at it. He's so predictable. He becomes shy and his voice softens in a way that I've never gotten used to. Like he's afraid and he doesn't know what he should do. "Are there any jobs there you think? Maybe around there somewhere?" Before I could say anything, with no pause he says, "it's better if I stay here with your mom. What if the car breaks down? It's too cold and she's been getting sick a lot." I didn't say anything.

I never know what to say.

Having my father around wouldn't be so bad. But I know after 2 days of looking he'd call one of his cousins (who never come visit unless he's around and there is beer to be drunk & black eyes to acquire) and I'd spend a week looking for him & being scolded by my mother for 'letting him run off'.

Later my mom is back on the line. One of two of my distant, distant girl cousins wants to come visit me. This means of course that I would have to pick her up too when I go home to get my brother. "Your other brother's don't want to come they said it's too boring and all you do is work". I try to hide the pain in my voice.

1. I did not invite any of my other brothers
2. The last time they were all here they stayed for nearly three weeks-how the hell was I supposed to pay for the food, movies and gas?
3. No tact. No damn tact.

So I laugh and I say, "well I don't know if she'd like it here-it's pretty boring and I work too much." A cheap shot, I know. My mom tells me my cousin could babysit my brother. This is after I tell her I am taking 4 days off-without pay to spend with my brother. Finally seeing no way out, I tell my mom I'll think about it.

But I have a feeling she's already committed me to it. And I know that she'll want me to drive her to my aunt's house where I can listen to another rendition of my aunt referring to herself in the third person and telling me how poor she is.

Later I will go open my aunt's fridge to find three cases of Coors, a jar of mayo, mustard and a jug of water-just the basics. Then every cousin I have will crawl out of the cracks and ask to borrow money. I will stand there awkward and ashamed because I feel used.
And I'll lose 5, 10 or 40 dollars to make my escape and vow to never to visit while they are all home.

And when I feel my ovaries knocking I think about these things. Holy shit batman my aunt wasn't ready to have kids. The woman sleeps with an open Coors can near the base of her bed. My mom wanted kids, she stayed home with me at least until I went to school. I see pieces of myself sitting there with them at that table. The crazy women in my family.

And I imagine my kids will say, "shit mom-what the hell were you thinking taking me to visit?"

Family-the ultimate form of birthcontrol.

posted by Danna Saunders @ 12/09/2004 01:14:00 PM